im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My cat gives me a boner
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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