omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
