I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
