put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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