Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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