I'm so fucking centered right now
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize