studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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