I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
