walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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