Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
