just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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