before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
