Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
