what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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