Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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