did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
