his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
