you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
