I just pynch a tree in the face
I am in a vortex of obligation.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize