What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize