Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
