Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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