My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
