so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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