weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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