Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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