Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize