You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
