thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
