trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she looked like the before picture.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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