apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
