u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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