The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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