So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
