Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
