im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
