Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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