My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
