I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize