chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i can't believe i had my finger in that
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
