He disabled his match.com account in front of me
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i've created a new STD.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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