so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
