this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
