Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
