Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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