I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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