my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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