I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize