every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
