the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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