Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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