i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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