oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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