I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
