Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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